11/05/03 SACRAMENTO, California (ROT)

A bizarre combination of natural forces converged on California this week, putting an end to the massive wildfires that have plagued the state for nearly a month.

The fires, which had been raging out of control since being set by arsonists in October, were finally extinguished after the region’s fabled Santa Ana winds gave way to torrential rains off the Pacific, which were followed by a moderate earthquake, which triggered a series of quenching mudslides. The resulting “qhwhsssssssshh” sound made as the fires were put out was the loudest qhwhssssssshh ever recorded; ironically, it destroyed several hundred more homes and ruptured the pipes at a complex of oil refineries, setting off another, smaller string of fires.

Reaction to the unlikely domino of disasters was mixed in a state accustomed to recurring mayhem.

Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger put a positive spin on the situation at a photo op outside the capitol building. “We hahf ta put dis in pah-spectif,” he pronounced emphatically. “Da real disastah is da Gray Davis butchet deficit. Dat’s what we need to focus on in Kalee-fownya. We’re going to blow dat deficit away like da Tuh-minatah tuh-minating some pathetic tuh-minatee!”

Mass murderer Charles Willis Manson, speaking from a nearby California prison, blamed the catastrophes on divine retribution. “The Lord God has judged you! Charles’s will is man’s son! A day without orange juice is like a day without locusts!” he intoned to an imaginary congregation before breaking into a perfect impersonation of the character Ernest T. Bass from the old Andy Griffith Show and running erratically down a corridor.

Lame duck governor Gray Davis, reached in the hot tub at the Sacramento governor’s mansion, grinned with bemusement and reflected a moment before responding. “The people of California live every day with this kind of freakish insanity—earth, wind, fire; serial killers, high-speed police chases; Schwarzenegger movies, Arianna Huffington. But they’re not going to have Gray Davis to kick around any more.”

Verdine White of the legendary R&B band Earth, Wind, and Fire, scheduled to begin a tour next week that includes a swing through Los Angeles, waxed poetic: “We’re headin’ for the earth, we got plenty of wind, but the fire...now, that’s gettin’ hard to come by.”

Finally, revered Native American head of state Tatanka Yotanka, better known as Sitting Bull, spoke deliberately when contacted on the reality show Crossing Over: “Wildfire. Earthquake. Mudslide. You call natural disaster. We call natural wonder. Biggest disaster in California—Los Angeles. San Francisco. San Diego. And maybe Oakland.”

©2003 rebelholler.com