Baghdad, Iraq (RSN) 

Hoping to follow up on the success of its "55 Most Wanted Iraqis" playing cards, the US Department of Defense has announced the release of a "Where's Waleed?" puzzle and game book series. (Actual story at defenselink.mil) 

"Waleed" wears the same red-and-white striped sweater and coke-bottle eyeglasses as his namesake, Waldo--only now he's in the service of American military and surveillance forces as a cartoon symbol for Saddam's elusive weapons of mass destruction. 

In effect, hundreds of thousands of detailed satellite surveillance photos of Iraq have been turned into a massive electronic puzzle, which is being distributed byte by byte to all American military forces and intelligence agents in the region. The Pentagon is confident that the politically-charged weapons do exist but fears the search for them is waning as troop morale continues to erode. 

Now, the WMDs have a name and a face: Waleed Ahmad Muhammad. Military psychology experts hope the tactic of personification will motivate soldiers and spies alike to redouble their efforts to find "him." 

"With all due respect to Waldo," boomed General Roscoe Humboldt at a Pentagon press conference, "this Waleed Ahmad Muhammad guy is a first-class creep. We're gonna blow the livin' hell outta his four-eyed sweater-wearin' pansy ass. And we're gonna have some good old fashioned fun doin' it." 

To kick off Operation W.A.M., the Pentagon has undertaken a public relations campaign anchored by a series of television commercials in which American children seek and destroy animated versions of Waleed strategically hidden in the cities and towns of a virtual Iraq. 

Working alongside the Pentagon is a new state-owned toy company, Toys R U.S., which will be manufacturing and aggressively marketing Where's Waleed? puzzles, books, dolls, posters, video games, and chemistry sets throughout the country. 

The media and marketing blitz is part of a carefully calculated strategy coming from the highest levels of the Bush administration. 

"We want to avoid the protests and ugliness that accompanied the last non-quagmire we got bogged down in," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told subordinates in a leaked memo. "We need the population on board this time. 

"To that end, this is only the beginning. A WheresWaleedpalooza rock concert for the rock fans. WheresWaleed shuffleboard for the seniors. A red-and-white striped WheresWaleed Humvee with oversized headlights for insecure passive-aggressive yuppies. Cat in the Hat tie-ins. The possibilities are endless." 

Rumsfeld refused to acknowledge the memo when confronted outside the White House this morning. He was, however, wearing a red-and-white striped sweater and oversized glasses at the time. 

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