11/10/03 YOUNG HARRIS, Georgia (RSN)

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RealStupidNews met this weekend with Georgia Senator Zell Miller, author of the recently released A National Party No More: The Conscience of a Conservative Democrat. The book has caused more than a little consternation among the nation’s Democrats.

“I want to take the Democratic Party to the woodshed,” Miller began, his thick Southern accent mingling comfortably with the smells of pine and cedar that fill his primitive cabin in the north Georgia mountains.

Why the woodshed? Miller believes that his party has turned too far to the left and alienated critical Southern voters. “All left turns may work on the racetrack,” he drawled, “but it is pulling our party in a dangerous direction.”

As an example, Miller cited the now-infamous gaffe in which former Vermont Governor Howard Dean courted “guys with Confederate flags in their pickups.” “(Dean) knows about as much about the South as a hog knows about Sunday,” Miller scoffed.

The Georgia senator had equally harsh words for the liberal wing of his party, notorious for its pessimism on economic matters: “Those doom-and-gloomers need to take some calm-me-down pills.”

Pessimism also clouds the party’s foreign policy, according to Miller. Regarding Senator Jay Rockefeller’s leaked memo calling on fellow Democrats to undermine US war policy in Iraq, Miller remarked, “If that isn’t treason, it’s his first cousin.”

Despite his strident criticism, Miller defends his loyalty to the party; he simply thinks it needs to change. Asked whether his attacks don’t amount to beating a dead horse in light of dismal Democrat showings at the ballot box lately, Miller responded, “The only thing worse than beatin’ a dead horse is ridin’ one.”

Does he fear that his book might be the last straw that brings on a permanent decline in the Democratic Party? “I may be pissin’ in the pond,” Miller quipped as he pulled on the straps of his overalls and spat into a brass spittoon, “but that ain’t what’s gonna break the dam.”

The Georgia Democrat saved his strongest words for last. On the future of the Democratic Party if his concerns go unheeded, Senator Miller closed his eyes, touched his temple, and prophesied grimly, “Bang the drum slowly, and play the fife lowly, for the sun is setting over a waiting grave.”

©2003 rebelholler.com