SAINTLY KALIHER
RESCUES THE LIBERAL WORLD

By: William Kaliher
11/10/2003

Note to Readers: DNA experts have determined marvelous Bill Kaliher, the man who may have lived as Buddha and the Delai Llama in previous lives, is indeed the world's most spectacular human specimen. 

Being both the world's foremost liberal and an ultra compassionate conservative, I, William B. Kaliher have again decided to step forward with a groundbreaking public service. I have created an outlet that will allow liberals to appear up to speed. This article will be a commercial for the newsletter I am launching. Throughout the explanation of my new project I will provide the type late breaking news blurbs the left wing reader will find in my informative newsletter. Please take immediate advantage of these concise news notes as each of them has been verified by independent sources. Having this updated information will aid the left-winger in conversations and prevent the term "well worn retread" from being as aptly and easily applied to define the leftist. 

** Updated news fact # 1: Some months ago the Saddam Hussain International Airport was taken during light fighting. Reports from the front indicate United States troops were involved. **

Are you liberal or socialist? Are you tired of being laughed at and ridiculed? Do you always feel stupid when trying to maintain a conversation with people who keep abreast of current events? In private moments at home do you admit to yourself, you really don't know your ass from a hole in the ground? Do home schoolers snicker at your understanding of current events? Then " Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press" is designed especially for you.

** Updated news fact # 2: N.Y. Times and CNN editors have privately admitted some of the information their primary source for Iraqi war coverage, Baghdad Bob, provided might have been slightly in error. Keep this information mutating in your mind when you have the urge to become strident with someone supporting the Iraqi War. **

Does your misinformation come from ninety-five percent of the nation's newspapers, magazines, ABC, Showtime, CBS, NBC, The Cooking Channel, CNN, MSNBC, BBC, Soul Train, NPR, BET or PBS? Do aliens transmit directly to you? Is Farrakhan's mother ship beaming messages to you? If so, then "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press," is designed with you in mind.

** Updated news fact # 3: There actually has been no military quagmire in Iraqi. Reports indicating a quagmire seem to have been premature or perhaps even incorrect. Peter Jennings privately admits the United States might even achieve victory. The quagmire may be the morass many famous reporters were sucked into.**

Do you identify yourself as socialist, leftist, communist, or progressive? Do you always vote straight Democrat? Do normal people identify you as being voluntarily retarded? Then every issue of "Doctor Kaliher's News appendix for the Mainstream Press," is written with you in mind.

** Updated news fact # 4: Some months ago the United States was victorious in the Iraqi war. If you missed this information in your news source it's important to note the N.Y. Times and the BBC have concluded Saddam is missing and his sons were killed because the United States did not institute the Brady Bill immediately after subduing Iraq. You can expect to find this information in your news source in the foreseeable future.**

Are you laughed at for being uninformed? Would intelligent people prefer listening to a dribbling lunatic playing with himself than hearing what you have to say? Are you forced to reply in tired cliches that bore people with superior intellect? Then the chances are 99.9 percent certain you are what is termed "a liberal" in polite company and "Doctor Kaliher's News appendix for the Mainstream Press," is exactly what you need. Get updated with this newsletter and perhaps someone will actually listen to a second sentence from your mouth.

** Updated news fact # 5: It's possible there has been a human rights abuse by the Castro government. It's okay to continue to believe Communist Cuba remains a swell example of socialism but even Mike Wallace has admitted Castro might have accidently jailed an innocent person.

Do informed people find you stupid or extremely naive? Are you branded a political idiot? Do you term yourself a socialist, a functional idiot, 100% Democrat, a guppy floating belly up, a liberal, a jar of mayonnaise, a progressive, a mentally slow spirochete, a Communist, a NEA member, a jelly fish, a Greenie or a block of wood? If you or others identify you as fitting one of these categories then the National Scientific Foundation has, after extensive studies, categorized you as a complete dolt and "Doctor Kaliher's News appendix for the Mainstream Press," was designed with you in mind. Remember every writer, editor, copy boy and janitor involved with this publication can identify, use and actually knows the meaning of "is." This newsletter is designed to catch those slight oversights, plagiarisms and omissions found in your favorite propaganda source. Think of it! Updating yourself with these factoids will mean you'll occasionally make sense in a conversation.

** Updated news fact # 6: Former President Bill Clinton and the Democrat party was more involved with Kenny Lay and Enron than was President Bush and the Republican party. Our super slick investigative reporters discovered this when Tom Brokaw suddenly decided Enron and their sins weren't important enough to cover any longer. But "Doctor Kaliher's News appendix for the Mainstream Press," doesn't stop with just this difficult analyses of our extensive fact finding. Heck no, for the Democrat voter or poorly peeled banana we go the extra step toward verification. 

For a consultant our publication has the world's foremost mathematician and noted savant idiot Archimedes "4+4" Johnson available to cipher through these problems. When we learned the mainstream media no longer considered Mr. Lay and Enron an urgent problem our editors called Big Earl's House of Porn & Bait Shop. Once 4+4 was sober enough to talk on the phone they gave him all the information, political and financial concerning Enron. 

For a long second it was like an old fashioned computer clacking along as the complex, to the leftist mind, computations rappelled through 4+4's mind. After he took another swig of Meryl's homemade beer he said, "Why in hell are you idiots bothering me for this? Any half-wit can identify it was the Bush administration that did something, no matter how minuscule, to go after Enron. Do you think Elliot Ness went after the mob or his buddies? Do you sit around scratching your ass and wondering if Alexander the Great attacked Greeks instead of Persians? Of course you don't! Now try to figure out who prosecuted Enron and who didn't. Who got the most money and who didn't."

Yes, if your news source indicates Communism was a wonderful success except for unforseen evil circumstances (It's true, the USSR disbanded if your news source missed the story) and the socialist countries of western Europe are in wonderful financial condition then you definitely need "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press." Why miss those minor facts your busy and conscientious mainstream media writers and reporters don't have room for in their columns and broadcasts? Just think, a few facts to add flavor, accurateness and timeliness to your thinking and conversations. Why'd your conservative friends know Bill Clinton was ramming a cigar up Monica's ass seventeen plus days before the dominant media found room to report the possibility of an affair and fully nine months before Mr. Clinton owned up to sixteen percent of the truth? Why allow yourself to remain being seen as a complete, ignorant and uninformed imbecile by your friends just because their news sources somehow had room for a few extra little facts in that story? Let "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press" provide you those extra details in concise fashion. Think of knowing along with everyone else the water and electricity is flowing in Iraq, the schools are open and over 70 plus percent of the population thanks Allah seven times a day the Americans invaded. I'll admit they're all very minor details and the Times and related media will certainly get to them sometime after they discover Saddam's palaces have been taken. However, these little facts certainly increase one's attempt to carry on a conversation.

** Updated news fact # 7: Fox News has surpassed all the cable news networks. Early media studies indicate accuracy, balance and fact checking may actually have something to do with viewer's channel choices. Although this sociological phenomenon is fairly insignificant one can expect coverage on page 16 D in the year 2012 by the regular socialist news services.

If you quote the L.A. or N. Y. Times or any other gay rags passing as newspapers and are roundly laughed at, it's because you need "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press." There's just no sense always being ridiculed because your news sources only carry the emotional news fit for the elite crowd. You, as a liberal, know how the regular Joe foolishly respects and relies on facts. I, like Bill Clinton, feel your pain and that's why I developed this easy to read newsletter for my liberal brothers and sisters. It only takes a moment to scan and allows you to salt your conversation, when you have no choice but to be among the less fortunate, with little tidbits like, "Yes, I know Ken Starr's investigation was the most successful independent counsel investigation in history, with numerous convictions and totally innocent liberal cash cows fleeing the country despite leftist spin and conservative criticism for him not going far enough. Yes, I realize the recent Iraqi war was the most successful war in history." Just having minor facts like these in one's repertoire has helped numerous liberal test subjects, but don't take my word for it. Here's a direct quote from enlightened, sensitive and politically correct Myron Lispray, a senior at City University. 

"I was doing fine in school, a 4.0 grade point average and I was popular with my professors and all the other cool, in-the-know students. I could quote the total wisdom, from all Phil Donahue's shows at the drop of a 'Negro History is Wonderful' or 'Evil White Men Did It and Laughed' textbook. Still, when I left campus and wasn't around the crowd branded flat-liners or went home, people looked at me like I was an idiot and treated me as if I didn't know anything or have anything worthwhile to say. I was lucky, as I was chosen to be a test subscriber to 'Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press.' 

It was amazing. After just three months of reading his test newsletter I discovered people didn't laugh at me nearly as often. I found out little items the main networks, Mr. Donahue and the Baltimore Sun among other sensitive news sources didn't have room for in their outlets. I discovered the homeless population was the same size between the two Bush administrations. I found out a four percent increase in funding for the school lunch program wasn't a cut. I even learned some foolish people think the reasons for being against the war with Iraq are the same reasons for opposing the wars Bill Clinton got involved in like Bosnia and Serbia. I still realize Bill Clinton was noble and Bush a vile cur, but it gave me new insights into the less intelligent masses. I repeated a few of these facts in class but it only confused and enraged my professors. Still, they're not like most liberals and don't have to mix with less understanding people, so they don't have as much need for 'Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press' as a regular liberal might. This little newsletter has definitely enhanced my self-esteem and ability to almost maintain a conversation. 

Now that I know the evil white-male run United States won the Iraqi War I don't talk about the military being in a quagmire as often and my father doesn't call me an idiot nearly as much. I don't really know what happened there beyond the newsletter's factoid concerning a victory but hopefully the New York Times will find room to run something on the details sometime next year. I'm hopeful no more than two or three hundred thousand of our troops were killed in Mr. Bush's unfair, unreasonable and insane response to the 9-11 attacks by the patriotic, Allah fearing Arab freedom fighters who took over those planes. Of course, my father still calls me a fucking lunatic when I talk about the brave 9-11 freedom fighters who took over the planes. He's just not sensitive, or in touch with his feminine side, but thankfully my mom won't let him cut off my college funding and disown me."

** Updated news fact # 8: At least two American businesses are still in operation despite President Bush's disastrous economic plans. Additionally a guy in Idaho lost two pounds but no American has yet died of starvation. It may be difficult to realize these two facts as the economy has been so overwhelmingly bad the media has lacked the time or space to let their audience know of any surviving McDonald's biscuit making venture. Keeping this obscure information in mind will help keep people from staring at you in disbelief when you describe Bush's terrible economy.

Sign up today for "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press." Send $19.95 to Ether Zone for a three month subscription. Cut down on the needless ridicule you now suffer. Get the information your regular media can't fit in or is just too insignificant to cover. It'll help you function with the masses who lack your grasp of the grander sociologically pure picture. With this newsletter you'll no longer be thought of as just another flat-liner. It'll be much more difficult for the general population to tell you normally get a different and special form of news coverage.

Below are a few more facts. The same type information "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press"will provide in every month's issue. Additionally, "Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press" will devote a small portion of each issue to minor historical information the enlightened public school system and elite universities were unable to address due to Republican budget cuts.

* The world's population will survive at least another two weeks despite the latest global warming forecasts. (Global warming hasn't hit yet. You can put your foot into the Atlantic without fear of it being boiled.) 

* NATO forces are still in Afghanistan and there is an 80 percent chance of peace breaking out.

* Some Arabs have a visceral dislike of Israel.

* Many Americans actually detest Hillary Clinton and don't recognize her as co-president or the most intelligent woman alive.

And even obscure historical facts, theories and ideas your paper, television or radio news source might have overlooked are often included:

* The Second World War was not about "race."

* The reason the Indians did not expel the Spanish from the new world was because the whites were the lesser of two evils. If this is compared to today's American political landscape they would be Republicans or the lesser evil. 

The Arawak tribes needed and allied with the white men. Surprisingly the Carib Indians found their favorite stews for tribal get-togethers was a combination of wild onions, carrots, corn, a plump Arawak and a dash of salt brought to a slow boil over an open fire made from fallen palm fronds. For the chefs and friends of Jeff Dahmer reading this article, early Spanish sources indicate young overweight Arawak women provide the tenderest cuts. The Arawaks, long noted for being a slick bunch of red devils quickly reasoned the situation out. If we let these white guys in they can't kill us off much faster or worse than how the Caribs are doing it.

I've heard being brought to a slow boil or even occasionally roasted leads to one making snap judgement along these lines. So, the conquest of the new world went smoothly and was entirely based on the notion the Caribs would quit eating tribal members.

* JFK is often thought of as a third tier president at best.

* Teddy "Captain Nemo" Kennedy was involved with a bridge and the death of a woman.

* George Bush was legally elected president according to the rules and his Florida voters were intelligent enough to punch a chad...

"Doctor Kaliher's News Appendix for the Mainstream Press" will additionally present some little known historical theories.

* find out why anyone with the equivalent of a valid third grade history education denies slavery was even remotely the cause of the Civil War.

* Learn why people doubt Paul Krugman, "the economic writer for the N.Y. Times," could make correct change for a dime.

* Find out: Why skin color or sex has no major effect on earning power, except for lowering the pay for white males...

* Discover why some people (usually cultists) actually think they can decide where to spend their money better than a group of faceless socialist government officials.

Sadly, this satire is too true concerning the socialist press and their followers. Yet, this satire doesn't adequately identify and address the misinformation the leftists are trained to absorb and repeat. It must be remembered when dealing with these deluded people that deductive reasoning is beyond them. They are actually living Orwell's fiction. I don't know that any of them are recoverable, but I urge all conservatives and libertarians to continue to present facts in hopes of eventually breaking the convoluted cycle of non-thinking they are mired in.


"Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact."   

Reposted with permission from William Kaliher,