by Lady Liberty
008/03/2003

It was widely reported  recently that trial lawyers and a consumer health group are targeting ice cream manufacturers and sellers for litigation. It seems that ice cream has turned out to be fattening, and this particular coalition blames the failure of ice cream makers to find healthier ingredients, or to put warnings on menus, for obesity in America today. Although some people think such threats and lawsuits have gone too far, I just want to take this opportunity to thank the lawyers and the health group for their efforts on my behalf. You see, I had no idea up until now that products made largely of sugar and butterfat might not be good for me in quantity!

I am also delighted that some people have sued restaurants such as McDonalds. Until those lawsuits were filed, how was I to know that deep fried potatoes might not be both a low calorie delight as well as a particularly healthful food? And you cannot imagine how surprised I was to learn that some restaurants serve hot coffee that's actually hot! Thankfully, people who burned themselves gulping the drink or putting it between their legs while they drove served to let all of us know that our hot drink might not be cold.

As a former smoker, I should also confess that the warning labels cigarette manufacturers were forced to put on their packaging many years ago meant nothing to me. I found the pretty letters quite lovely, and the stark white box they were printed in to be just another decorative element on the attractive packages. It wasn't until lawyers repeatedly claimed that smokers didn't know that smoking was bad for them that I finally understood that the warnings might have meant something, although they were so obscure and unpublicized that I can't imagine how I was to have guessed.

Let's not forget the tragic story  of the baseball player who burned himself while ironing his shirt, either. Poor John Smoltz burned his chest because he happened to be wearing the shirt at the time he was ironing it. Apparently, he didn't read the warning label that comes with every iron these days advising consumers that they should remove their clothing before ironing it. Perhaps the warnings should be larger or more brightly colored to ensure we see them and read them. Until such changes are made, it's clearly the iron manufacturer's fault that the man suffered such an injury!

One of my own local newspapers published a list of tragic firearms mishaps several years ago while it was editorializing against any concealed carry legislation in the state. The number one tragedy on the list was the story of a man who, having purchased a shotgun, was showing his girlfriend how cool it was. Shouting, "Look, honey! Look what I can do!" he put the barrel of the gun in his mouth and manipulated the trigger with his toe. The gun, which was loaded at the time, worked perfectly. Obviously, the poor victim had no idea that putting a gun in your mouth and pulling the trigger might be dangerous. Perhaps this is why the firearms industry is the latest target of lawyers and special interest groups.

When I was a small child, my mother used to grab me by the arm to pull me away from traffic, or to stop me from touching such fascinating things as a hot stove or a sharp knife. Without Mom nearby, though, I have a difficult time determining just what I should do and should not do, and what's harmful and what isn't. It's sure a good thing that the government and a number of eager legal beavers are ready to step into the breach left by Mommy when I moved out of the house! God only knows what I might do if I'm not thoroughly protected by those who are interested only in my own good.

But until the lawyers can get everything set up to where I'm perfectly safe at all times, I think it might be a really good idea to print at least one more warning label. We'll need to ensure that the glue is hypoallergenic of course, and that we carefully direct folks as to which side to affix to their foreheads, but I think it'll work just fine if we explain its proper use. The label should say "Warning: Stupid Person Without a Clue." After all, it's becoming readily apparent that we need to watch out for all of those stupid folks. It seems it's always somebody else's responsibility whenever they do something stupid, and that somebody else needs to be blamed. I don't want that somebody else to be me! Besides, when you think about it, those stupid people are a whole lot more dangerous to the rest of us than some inanimate object, like an iron or a gun, which really represents no problem at all. Until, that is, one is picked up by a Stupid Person...

Lady Liberty