PRINCIPAL: Good morning, Alice. We use first names at this school. Quite informal. Please have a seat. Glad you decided to start teaching again.
ALICE: Thank you...Henry.
PRINCIPAL: The thing we should discuss is how teaching has changed since you last taught here.
ALICE: Changed?
PRINCIPAL: The new do's and don'ts, so to speak.
ALICE: No, I don't believe I know that.
PRINCIPAL: Ah, well no time like the present. You will find teaching methods a bit more refined.
ALICE: Refined? In what way?
PRINCIPAL: Oh, more tolerance, more freedom of expression. More diversity. New directions.
ALICE: New directions? What kind, if I may ask?
PRINCIPAL: Well, for instance, Alice, we no longer require the students to place their hand over their heart when the national anthem is played. It was an unnecessary gesture, really.
ALICE: It was?
PRINCIPAL: Oh, yes. Then, too, we do less for American holidays, and more for Mexican holidays. In the spirit of understanding and cooperation, you understand.
ALICE: But we always honored American holidays when I taught here before.
PRINCIPAL: I'm sure you did, Alice. But that was then and now is now. You'll also find our history books rewritten to reflect more accurately the real America.
ALICE: The history books already reflected the real America, didn't they?
PRINCIPAL: I'm afraid not, Alice. We've replaced the evil, imperialistic history of America with a less offensive version.
ALICE: Less offensive to whom, sir?
PRINCIPAL: Why, to the students, of course. Now then, as for the pledge of allegiance..
ALICE: That hasn't been eliminated, I hope.
PRINCIPAL: Nothing like that, Alice, the pledge is the same. We just don't say it quite as often as we used to.
ALICE: You're not suggesting that it's wrong to pledge allegiance to America?
PRINCIPAL: Oh, my no, Alice. In fact, some parents demanded that we bring the pledge back into the school, so we did.
ALICE: Good. Then the students honor the flag every morning, like they used to?
PRINCIPAL: Well, not exactly. We don't require students to say the pledge every day. We decided that twice a week was sufficient.
ALICE: May I ask a personal question, sir?
PRINCIPAL: Of course.
ALICE: Is it true that the school is now teaching young students about sex?
PRINCIPAL: I'm proud to say, Alice, that this is not only true but our school has taken it two steps beyond. We're very progressive, you know.
ALICE: Two steps beyond?
PRINCIPAL: In case your son or daughter decides they're gay we now have a club on campus that helps them adjust to their homosexuality. Isn't that innovative?
ALICE: What's the second step beyond?
PRINCIPAL: In keeping with the new liberal teaching, we have condoms available, and accessible, to students in grades 9 to 12.
ALICE: I did wonder about the condom dispenser I saw in the hall near the nurse's office. But may I ask, why the choice of "Regular" or "Mint Flavored"?
PRINCIPAL: Uh, you must have missed the label over the "Mint Flavored" slot on the dispenser.
ALICE: I guess I did. What did it say?
PRINCIPAL: "For Oral Sex Only." The thinking here is that if young people are going to engage in sex, any kind of sex, let's make sure that we give them all the protection they need.
ALICE: Well, that certainly is a new educational dimension, sir.
PRINCIPAL: So, Alice, are you ready to start with your first class? Alice.. you okay? Alice! You look a little pale.
ALICE: Where is the girl's washroom? I think I'm going to throw up.
