A Dream Come True: 
My Interview Saddam Hussein
by Jim Moore

02/08/03

It's not every day that a political writer of my lowly stature gets the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with the mother of all dictators.

So it was that yesterday, in a particularly wild frenzy of journalistic fervor, I screwed up enough courage to call Baghdad and ask for a personal interview with President Saddam Hussein.

Surprisingly enough, he honored my request (which shows that he isn't such a bad guy after all), and herewith are the results of our conversation.

MOORE: Good morning, President Hussein. Thank you for this opportunity.

SADDAM: What opportunity?

MOORE: To have this talk with you, sir.

SADDAM: You're an American reporter?

MOORE: Yes, sir. I am.

SADDAM: My god, then the attack has already started! Where are the rest?

MOORE: The rest of what?

SADDAM: The rest of…oh...never mind. What would you like to talk about?

MOORE: I understand that more U.N. officials are in Iraq checking on the possibility of you having "dual use" sites that could serve as a cover-up for illicit weapons of mass destruction. Is that true, sir?

SADDAM: "Dual use" sites? Those damn busybodies! I build a new chemical laboratory for making vaccines and right away I'm making biological weapons.

MOORE: Well, that's always a possibility, isn't it, sir?

SADDAM: Russia and China don't think so. Hell, I shoot my rifle in the air once in a while and right away I'm a dictator. What makes people so paranoid?

MOORE: You'll have to admit, sir, celebrating by shooting a gun in the air is a bit strange, isn't it?

SADDAM: What am I supposed to use, a bow and arrow?

MOORE: I'm told by a certain defense official that you have several hundred underground weapon sites in Iraq. Anything to that, sir?

SADDAM: Of course not. Next they'll have me firing missiles from the earth's core. Even I can't do that.

MOORE: What about your twelve palaces? Anything in those?

SADDAM: Another infidel exaggeration. I only have eleven.

MOORE: Well, may I ask what goes on in your eleven palaces? 

SADDAM: None of your business. Do I ask you what goes on in your house?

MOORE: Beg your pardon, sir. I meant no offense. But why so many palaces?

SADDAM; Why not? I believe it was your American singer, Frank Sinatra, who said, "He who dies with the most toys, wins." I liked Sinatra.

MOORE: It's also common knowledge, that the inspectors will be looking for quite awhile inside a sprawling complex near Baghdad called Radwaniyah.

SADDAM: Yes, it's my favorite retreat. It's where I go when I want to really let it all hang out….as you American say.

MOORE: I'm told that the superimposed pictures of that complex over the grounds of both the White House and the Buckingham Palace show that the Radwaniyah site is much too big for a retreat. Your reaction, sir?

SADDAM: Bush and Blair are pikers. And sore losers at that. I've got a bigger retreat than they have, so what do they do? They say I'm hiding weapons in it. 

MOORE: Are they right, Mister President?

SADDAM: A better question is, why do the inspectors want to spend so much of their valuable time inside it?

MOORE: You tell me, sir.

SADDAM: They say they're looking for weapons. But you come back this weekend, and don't bother to bring a date. There'll be more quivering flesh running around that night than those hundred inspectors could possibly handle.

MOORE: You haven't been seen in person much lately, Mister President. How much time do you spend , and with whom, at this rather unusual retreat?

SADDAM: This interview is over.


Jim Moore
Jmoore1819@aol.com

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