The Reporter Who Snuck Into the Supreme Court's Chamber

by Jim Moore

06/28/2003

Elmer Forbit is a reporter's reporter. It's been said that he would drown his own mother to be the first to break a story. This, of course, is a gross exaggeration, yet it is common knowledge that Forbit's mother has not been seen since his last exclusive.
Therefore, knowing Forbit's persistence and dedication to a free press, we can believe this reporter when he says that he was able to gain access to the Supreme Court's chamber during the Justices' recent debate on "gay sex prohibition."


Forbit was, apparently, somewhere in that austere room, perhaps behind a curtain, or under the conference table, with his tape recorder. 
What Forbit heard was the Court arguing whether or not to strike down the existing laws prohibiting homosexuality.

It would be impossible to reveal everything that Forbit recorded, but some of what the nine Justices said, and the vigor nd professionalism with which they argued this troubling issue are herewith presented:

REHNQUIST: I'm in charge here, folks, so let's get debating.


GINSBURG: Just like a man, always anxious to talk sex. (giggles) 


BREYER: Well, in my view, same-sex couples have a right to enjoy themselves in bed. Just like normal people.


THOMAS: Maybe. But if this country continues like it's going, before long we'll be discussing whether or not oral and anal sex is constitutional. 


BREYER: Oh, don't be so picky, Clarence.


THOMAS: Picky, hell. We're condoning immorality!


KENNEDY: What's morality got to do with it? We're talking law.

SCALIA: That's Clarence's point. If we don't use law to stop this descent into hell, next thing you know we'll be legalizing incest.

SOUTER: Keep it in the family, I always say. (smiles)

REHNQUIST: Hold it! Let's discuss one aberration at a time.

SOUTER: Don't sit there biting your nails, John. What's your opinion on this matter?

STEVENS: I have no opinion. I just vote with the majority

GINSBURG: And it looks like the majority is in favor of same-sex marriages, gay rights, and…

BREYER:…anal and oral sex…

KENNEDY:…and incest and bigamy..

STEVENS: That's almost everything of a sexual nature. What's left?

THOMAS: That's exactly what I mean! Next, we'll be asked to go down into the sinkhole and vote on the social acceptance of bestiality!

O'CONNOR: What's bestiality?

REHNQUIST: That's enough for this morning, colleagues. Let's break for lunch.

* * * * *

Elmer Forbit's report was, of course, fictitious But one fact is plain. We are making a mockery of human virtue. If we watch and listen closely, in the coming months we will see, just as surely as Nike makes running shoes, the Supreme Court gradually overturn every statute on the books that dares to keep us from becoming a primitive, immoral, degrading, animalistic society.
 
Think it won't happen? 

With a Supreme Court that takes it upon itself to "make" laws instead of "interpreting" them according to the Constitution, anything can happen. 




Jim Moore
Jmoore1819@aol.com