Saddam Hussein In the U.S. Last Seen In Florida

by Jim Moore

03/22/2003

The missile attack on the bunkers which were thought to be the protective redoubts used by Saddam Hussein and his top military advisors was, in one respect, a failure. Whatever and whoever else was blown to kingdom come, they missed the Main Man.

This became painfully apparent when a bulletin came over the UPI newswire, and was reported by the major TV news networks, that Saddam Hussein was seen walking down Bayview Drive in Miami, Florida. And because more than one witness attested to seeing, and identifying him, the bulletin has been since deemed accurate.

According to an updated report, Saddam, dressed inconspicuously in a plain tan suit was seen entering Ricardo's Gun Shop, which seems plausible enough since the Iraqi dictator loved rifles, and was seldom seen in Iraq without pointing one in the air. 

Before the Miami contingent of Homeland Security could get to and surround the gun shop, Saddam had disappeared, putting the city and the whole Biscayne Bay area in sudden shock, bordering on panic.

A state of emergency immediately went into effect in the Greater Miami area. National guardsmen were stationed at all utility sites, schools were closed, stores began shutting down, the Miami Boat Show was cancelled, and the city police turning out in force, cordoned off a square mile around the Gun Shop, and began a systematic, block by block search.

That Saddam Hussein would quickly be found and taken into custody was, we assumed, a foregone conclusion. Local law enforcement would see to that. Homeland Security stumbled occasionally, but the Miami Police Department always got their man.

Unfortunately, Saddam is one man that was still eluding them. 

Of special interest in this startling development are some tough questions that need straight answers In this article your writer intends to pose just such questions, in hopes that logical and commonsense answers might help the law enforcement authorities locate this dangerous dictator. 

Question: How could Saddam Hussein be in the United States when we saw him a few hours ago on Iraqi television? 

Answer: You thought you saw him. Actually, Saddam Hussein was not on Iraqi TV. That was one of Saddam's many doubles. But Israeli video experts insist it was Saddam. Well, the experts were wrong. If they had checked the part of the video where Hussein's officers salute him one by one, then he hugs each one, they would have known for certain that the man was an imposter. Saddam Hussein only hugs his generals, he never kisses them.

Question: How did Saddam Hussein get on board a major, trans-Atlantic jet for the United States when he had to go through two security checkpoints in the airport? 

Answer: At the first checkpoint, Hussein, in full uniform, mingled with several national guardsmen at the airport and simply walked through the gate with them 

At the second checkpoint, Saddam told the security officer that he was Emilio Bordoni, an American millionaire, who had just attended an international masquerade party dressed up as Saddam Hussein and he was flying back home. Later, the security officer admitted that he had gotten suspicious when Mr. Bordoni spoke in what sounded like Arabic, but the guard shook his head and said to himself, "Naw, it can't be.".

Question: Why would Saddam Hussein choose to come to America when he was offered exile in several Arab countries? 

Answer: Saddam, being an intelligent person (although a meglomaniac) was well aware of America's disastrous immigration policy. He reasoned that, being a dark-skinned Arab, he would never be stopped and asked to show identification. It would be politically incorrect for anyone to do so, for fear of being called anti-something or other.

In addition, Saddam loves big, expensive cigars and going to Miami, he figured he was as close to an infinite supply of Cuban stogies as he could get.

Question: If Saddam Hussein loves good cigars so much, why didn't he just go to Cuba instead of coming to America?

Answer: He would have liked to, but he knew Fidel Castro would never share a dictatorship in Cuba. What he didn't know was that Castro had been run out of Cuba a month ago and was now living somewhere in Iraq.

Question: What will Saddam Hussein do in Miami to remain undetected?

Answer. He's already doing it. Saddam Hussein owns a BP gas station and a nearby convenience store. 

Needless to say, he blends right in.

Jim Moore
Jmoore1819@aol.com