Forbidden
Grief
Provided
by Bob Sperlazzo
I
N F O R M E D C H R I S T I A N D I G E
S T
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09/25/2003
Excerpts
from the Book...
Forbidden
Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion
by
Dr. Theresa Burke with Dr. David C. Reardon
.
Sexual
Abuse and Abortion
.
When
Complex Needs Clash With Simple Desires
.
Like
all women, sexually abused women long for real
love. The difference is that because their sexual
boundaries were violated at an early age, they are
more likely to use their bodies in an attempt to
obtain that love. Through provocative and
promiscuous behavior in the present, they express
the sexual abuse and victimization they
experienced in the past. In short, women with a
history of abuse are seeking a way to satisfy
complex needs regarding love, respect, and trauma
resolution.
.
Unfortunately,
in this era of sexual freedom, there is a nearly
unlimited supply of men who want to satisfy a very
simple impulse: their desire for uncommitted sexual
release. When sexual abuse victims with complex
needs meet predators whose interest in them is
limited to their ability to satisfy their sexual
desires, the result is predictably disastrous.
Rather than finding resolution of their trauma and
fulfillment of their need for love and respect,
sexually abused women are more likely to encounter
additional betrayals of their love, attacks on their
dignity, and reenactment of their traumas. Sadly,
sexually abused women and abusive males even tend to
gravitate toward each other. It is as if these
women's heightened vulnerability is a perfect match
for these men's dysfunctional need to dominate and
humiliate their mates.
.
When
a pregnancy results between a needy woman and an
abusive man who does not want the child, the
woman is very likely to be subjected to
increased levels of verbal or physical abuse,
which is intended to compel her to submit to an
unwanted abortion. Under these hostile
circumstances, many women submit. Their
abortions do not free or empower them, however.
Instead the abortion experience only strengthens
their feelings of self-disgust, shame, and
isolation, which serves to reinforce the
dynamics that are keeping them locked in abusive
relationships. Such was the case of Karen, who
had been involved in numerous abusive
relationships.
.
"In
my situation, abortion was just another form of
sexual abuse. It was just another way of abusing
me. He had power over me in demanding that I
abort. He was completely 'turned off' by me
being pregnant. He actually punished me with his
anger and rage. I could see that I would have to
pay the price. Who cared that we created a life
together? His sex with me was just as empty as
his heart was. I can't believe I allowed him to
control me as much as he did."
.
Another
victim of sexual abuse, Dorinda, commented on the
similarity between the horror of incest and the
trauma of abortion. "Nothing that happened to
my body mattered. As an incest victim, I had
absolutely no volition regarding the integrity of my
body -- somebody wanted it and they took it, no
matter what I wanted. In the case of my abortion, I
had no understanding regarding the integrity of my
body and spirit -- 'it' had misbehaved and had to be
corrected without thought for how much the act would
hurt me."
.
"But
who could think that a new life nurtured inside
the body as one flesh could be severed from that
body and ended without causing lifelong grief and
yearning? Only a woman who had no idea that her
body, or the spirit that infuses it, or the
sexuality that permeates it, were connected or
mattered. I was not alone. The common experience
of the women in our post-abortion group was the
shock of the devastating feelings surrounding this
act that was supposed to have no significance --
as if our bodies and what they create have no
significance, as if we have no significance. Our
experiences were similar. I think it's because
there's a common value underlying incest and
abortion (and rape and promiscuity and our
historic perception of sexuality) -- an incredible
callousness toward our bodies and others'
bodies."
.
Abortion
as Another Rape
.
Nina
was raped one night while away on a business trip.
To her horror and shame, she discovered she was
pregnant. In an effort to destroy all reminders of
the rape, Nina consented to an abortion.
.
"The
fact that I got pregnant because of the rape was
disgusting. I felt like I had to get rid of it.
Somehow, I figured that because I got pregnant I
must have enjoyed it. I couldn't tolerate that
concept. I was so ashamed. I got my abortion out
of state so that no one would know. The rape was
nothing compared to the abortion. I developed a
raging pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) because I
never received any antibiotic to prevent
infection. My gynecologist also informed me that
besides the scarring from the infection, my cervix
is badly damaged from the abortion procedure. I
will never have children of my own, because I am
sterile due to the PID. The rape was bad, but I
could have gotten over it. The abortion is
something I will never get over. No one realizes
how much that event damaged my life. I hate my
rapist, but I hate the abortionist too. I can't
believe I paid to be raped again. This will affect
the rest of my life."
.
Like
many rape victims, Nina blamed herself, believing
that somewhere along the way she had invited or
consented to the rape. Rather than removing her
self-blame, her abortion reaffirmed her sense of
shame and guilt. Now she knew she was culpable; she
had even consented to the abortion in writing. Nina
loved children and had always wanted to have a
family. The abortion demolished all her dreams of
having children in the future. No one at the
abortion clinic had ever mentioned that possible
"side effect." The child she had lost to
abortion was the only child she would ever conceive.
This realization gave rise to intense grief and
heartache. When it was too late, she longed for the
aborted baby, even though he or she was the product
of rape. She began to see herself as the guilty
party and her baby as the innocent victim of her
violence. The anger she felt toward the rapist
became bitterly directed against herself. After such
a devastating experience, her journey to recovery
was long and difficult.
.
Nina's
experience is not unusual. The largest study ever
done of women who had pregnancies resulting from
rape or incest was recently published in the book Victims
and Victors: Speaking Out About Their Pregnancies,
Abortions, and Children Resulting from Sexual
Assault. In this study of nearly 200
women, 89% of those who aborted a pregnancy
resulting from sexual assault explicitly stated
that they regretted having had their abortions.
.
They
often described their abortions as more traumatic
and difficult to deal with than the sexual
assault. Over 90% stated they would discourage
other pregnant sexual assault victims from opting
for abortion. Only 7% believed that abortion would
"usually" be beneficial in cases of
sexual assault. Conversely, among the sexual
assault victims who carried to term, in retrospect
they all believed they made the right decision in
giving birth. None regretted not having an
abortion.
.
Many
in contemporary society are concerned with ending
the vicious cycle of abuse, yet they cannot see
that the perpetrators of violence are often
responding to their own memories of abuse. The
theme of the victim becoming the perpetrator
permeates the literature and clinical research on
family violence. Countless articles and
intervention programs have been developed with
this aspect of trauma in mind. The concept of
victims becoming perpetrators can also be played
out in a broader social context. For example, many
of the women who initiated, fought, and are
fighting the battle for abortion rights have
themselves been badly mistreated, abandoned, and
forced to suffer the hardships of life alone,
victimized and unloved.
For many, the battle for abortion is
symbolic of their battle to restore a sense of
control and dignity to their own battered lives.
.
Given
the fact that many early advocates of legalized
abortion suffered sexual, physical, and emotional
abuse, it is not surprising that the language of
abortion rights centers on "controlling one's
body." For many, the battle over abortion,
even on a political level, involves a symbolic
reenactment of their struggle to gain mastery over
past trauma and abuse. Unfortunately, those who
use abortion as a means of mastering past trauma
are doomed to suffer both disappointment and a
deepening entanglement in the cycle of
self-destructive violence. Mastery over past
victimization can never be achieved by
depersonalizing or destroying others.
.
Abortion
only offers women who hunger for some resolution
of past abuse the illusion of power. Victims of
abuse have a deep hunger for respect, love, and
justice. Abortion simply cannot fill these needs
because it is inherently a destructive, negating
act. Abortion does not create; it can only
destroy. It cannot fill holes in one's spirit; it
can only create new holes. But these truisms are
not obvious to those whose needs and yearnings
overpower reason. To an uninformed famine victim,
for example, a huge mound of cotton candy appears
to be a prize worth fighting for. If won, it may
even seem sweet for a time. But it will not
produce any lasting benefit, because it is not the
nature of cotton candy to nourish. In the same
way, it is not the nature of abortion to heal
broken hearts or to empower the powerless. Nothing
was ever created by abortion. It can only destroy.
And like so many other tools of destruction, it
can often destroy far more than we intend.
.
Something
Inside Has Died
.
Booze,
Drugs, Sex, and Suicide
.
Mary
sat in the recovery room, crying almost
hysterically. "My God, what have I
done?" she moaned. She was doubled over, her
arms wrapped tightly around her abdomen as if
holding herself together. As tears streamed down
her face, she observed other girls reading
magazines, as though lined up under dryers at the
beauty salon. "How can they be so casual
about this?" she marveled. The tissue box on
the table beside her was empty, so she wiped her
nose on the sleeve of her denim jacket as she
fought the chills, which invaded her body. "I
have to get a grip!" she told herself. With a
determined act of will, she took a deep breath and
swallowed back her tears, grief, and heartache.
.
When
she arrived home, her boyfriend greeted her at the
door. He had planned a special evening -- a steak
and lobster dinner with a bottle of champagne -- to
commend her for her extraordinary bravery on this,
the day of her abortion. Needless to say, Mary did
not feel pride in her "accomplishment."
Instead, the celebration atmosphere made her feel
uncomfortable and foolish. When her boyfriend
offered her a glass of champagne, she gulped it
down. Grateful for its anesthetic effect, she
quickly emptied a second glass, then a third and a
fourth. It was not long before Mary was so plastered
that her boyfriend had to carry her to bed.
.
The
next morning, she woke with cottonmouth and an
extreme headache that hung over her memory like an
iron blanket, momentarily covering her recollections
of the previous day. Mary buried her head under the
pillow and asked her boyfriend to lower the shades
on the windows. Slowly she became aware of the
blood-soaked pad pasted to her underpants -- a
menacing reminder of the previous day. Her
boyfriend, gently rubbing her shoulders, recognized
the dim pain surfacing in her eyes. "I'll make
you a drink," he offered, eager to assist in an
alliance of drowning sorrow.
.
Mary
nodded and shuffled slowly into the shower, aghast
at the amount of crimson blood left over from the
abortion. When she had finished, her boyfriend
handed her a Bloody Mary. "How
appropriate!" she mused, choking off a ragged
laugh. If she thought too much, she knew, she
might burst into a never-ending river of tears.
"Bottoms up!" she sighed and swiftly
downed the drink. Her boyfriend joined her. Thus
was born, in place of her baby, an alcoholic
ritual that would dominate Mary's life for nearly
ten years.
.
Intoxicated
with Feelings
.
The
human mind has a tremendous capacity to repress
undesirable feelings and re-channel them into more
tolerable tortures. If we cannot find a way to
work through the trauma with our conscious
intellect, our unconscious mind will accomplish
the task for us. Trying to cope with these
shattered phantoms may invite the abuse of alcohol
or drugs, and a vicious, unrelenting cycle of
self-destruction, heaping insult on top of injury
until awareness of the original problem has been
annihilated.
.
I
have listened to many women share their sad tales of
unacknowledged and unexpressed grief. Drinking and
drugs for many becomes an ordinary way of life-like
breathing and eating. They become "party
people," laughing their way through life to
avoid the tears that well up when they are alone and
silent. The dreams they once had are choked off by
the same self-destructive behaviors they use to
drown their grief. Monica shared this
all-too-familiar story:
.
"From
the time I was 18 and had my first abortion, the
aftermath affected almost every area of my life. I
think alcohol and drug abuse were at the top of the
list, but also there were nightmares, uncontrollable
fear to the point of a panic disorder, and a deep
sadness, the source of which I couldn't identify or
understand. I frequently thought about killing
myself. I had anger and rage, sexual problems, low
self-esteem, incredible self-hatred and a depression
that came and went like an unexpected wind. But most
of all, grief that chilled me to the bone. My grief
turned on me like a hungry lion waiting to destroy
every area of my life. Drinking and drugs were the
only way I could cope."
.
Researchers
studying substance abuse identified long ago that
women are likely to date the onset of alcohol and
drug abuse to a particular stressful event or a
"definite life situation."
It should not be surprising, then, to find
that over a dozen studies have found a strong
association between substance abuse and abortion.
One found that among women without a prior
history of substance abuse, women who aborted
their first pregnancy had a 4.5 times higher risk
of subsequent substance abuse compared to women
who carried their first pregnancy to term.
When the most conservative risk estimates
from this study are applied to the general
population of women, it indicates that at least
150,000 women per year abuse drugs and/or alcohol
as a means of dealing with post-abortion stress.
One of these women was Jennifer:
.
"When
I look back on my problems with drinking, I never
thought it was anything unusual. I grew up in the
seventies, and I thought, hey, everybody is drinking
and doing drugs. I thought I was normal, just like
everyone else. Now I realize that I never did any of
those things until after my abortion. Sure, everyone
was drinking, but I drank more than anyone else. I
ended up sleeping around more too. It was a wild and
crazy time. I tried to drink away my feelings of
grief. I had to keep drinking, because my inner
emptiness was always there, and I could not bear the
way it made me feel. So I became the party girl ...
the first to arrive, the last to leave. I'd buy
drinks for others, hoping they'd keep me company and
help me to avoid myself ... a self I grew to hate.
Drinking helped me forget about her -- and for
however long the buzz lasted, I felt okay."
.
After
Amanda's abortion, she immediately went to the
nearest bar to drown her anguish in rum and cola.
The sympathetic bartender to whom Amanda related her
story assisted her in getting drunk that night out
of an authentic pity for her. Thereafter, Amanda
reenacted this confession and affirmation scene by
getting drunk and confessing her abortion to
whomever her bar buddy was that night. Who it was
didn't matter -- sometimes it would be a complete
stranger.
.
With
each drunken confession, Amanda experienced the
pain and the grief as vividly as she had the night
of the abortion. Alcohol provided an altered state
of consciousness, unshackled her emotions and
exposed a private raw nerve. It also gave her
permission to feel and lowered her defenses enough
to openly admit her grief. But her relief was
limited to her drunken state. Amanda rarely
remembered her ritual confessions the next day.
When sober, she denied that the abortion had any
effect on her, insisting that she was fine with
it.
.
Spiraling
Out of Control
.
Drugs
and alcohol have the power to change a person's
emotional center, if only temporarily. In a
chemically altered emotional state, one can feel
like a different person -- separated from one's
past. For some women, like Mary, the need to
escape from the past through drugs also includes a
radical breaking off of relationships. "After
the abortion, I cut all contact with my former
crowd and made a completely new group of friends.
I got into drugs and alcohol. I kept as stoned and
drunk as possible so as not to think about
it." Others, like Heidi, cut themselves off
from activities they used to enjoy. "I turned
to alcohol to forget and ease the pain. I had been
a gymnast and had been very health-conscious
before the abortion. Afterward, I felt guilty, had
no respect for myself and contemplated suicide,
and just didn't care about life anymore."
.
A
woman's personality may drastically change after an
abortion. Often, she will express this change as
having "lost a part of myself" during the
abortion. She may go on to live a
"half-life," withdrawing from past
acquaintances and secretly deadening her pain with
alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, and other
self-destructive tendencies. The handwritten
accounts of the seven women below are sadly typical
of these interrelated symptoms....
.
"I
turned to liquor and drugs real heavy as a means of
escape. I gave up my job as a bank clerk. I had been
a faithful wife, yet now had a succession of
affairs. Eventually, I took a deliberate overdose of
Valium."
.
"After
the abortion, I truly hated myself and became
quite self-destructive. I even thought of suicide
but was afraid I'd go to hell, so I smoked, drank,
did drugs and had sex."
.
"Immediately
after the abortion, I felt like a slut and started
to make it a self-fulfilling prophesy. I felt
dirty and worthless and became promiscuous because
of my low self-esteem. I tried to bury myself in
drugs and alcohol but they only made things worse.
How many times did I attempt suicide in the next
eight years? I couldn't possibly count them
all."
.
"The
first abortion sent me into heavy drug abuse and
sexual promiscuity. I ended up a cocaine addict
and a prostitute for drugs."
.
"For
years I became depressed on the anniversary of my
baby's death. I left my boyfriend and became very
promiscuous. Whenever a man committed to me, I
ended the relationship. I was lonely and
depressed. I turned to cocaine and spent thousands
on it.
.
"I
became a tramp. I slept with anyone and
everyone. Each month, when I wasn't pregnant
again, I'd go into a deep depression. My only
comfort in those days was alcohol and sleep. I
was rebellious. I wanted my parents to see what
I had become. I dropped out of college. I tried
suicide, but I didn't have the guts to slit my
wrists or blow my brains out. I couldn't get my
hands on sleeping pills, so I resorted to
over-the-counter sleep aids and booze."
.
"I
went on a suicide kick.... After the abortion, I
went to bed with anyone, regularly drank myself
into oblivion, and aimed my car at the
100-year-old oak trees that lined the street to my
house."
.
As
early as 1972, researchers had observed that young
women who abort may develop patterns of
promiscuity that did not exist before. For
post-abortive women, promiscuity can be used as a
form of degrading self-punishment, or it may be
driven by low self-esteem and a desperate need to
feel valued by another, if only superficially.
Promiscuity can also recreate feelings of shame
and guilt related to the traumatic abortion. In
such cases, the woman can project her feelings of
shame onto her sexual behavior rather than onto
the more intimidating issue of her abortion. Nan,
for example, shares how her shame following an
abortion led her to permit abusive sex:
"After my abortion, I did not care about my
body any more. I certainly did not care about what
was put into my body. I would only go with
partners who were abusive, or those who put things
inside me...boys who played with sexual toys,
fruit, and other objects. I let men experiment and
play with me like I was a baby doll."
.
Nan
allowed others to invade her vagina with objects as
she lay silent. Having things "put inside"
her was a connection to the abortion experience. She
described herself as a helpless "baby
doll," identifying with her own powerless baby.
Patricia's sexuality was also distorted by feelings
of loss, abandonment, death, destruction, and shame.
Her approach to sexual relations became sadistic,
punishing, and at times masochistic. When she
eventually married, Patricia's husband at first
thought her sexual preferences were kinky, erotic,
and fun. But as time passed, he longed for the
gentle intimacy of normal sex. But Patricia was
incapable of such intimacy as long as the trauma of
her abortion remained braided into her sexual
identity.
.
Similarly,
Rita felt trapped by a compulsion to shame and
humiliate herself through promiscuous affairs and
demeaning episodes with sex. Rita would do just
about anything. On one occasion she required
hospitalization following sadistic sexual
relations. Her only memory of the event was an
awareness of self-hatred and pain. "It didn't
matter what anybody did to me. I guess I felt I
deserved it. I certainly never got any pleasure
out of it. I felt worthless. I had no
self-respect. The thought of my abortion disgusted
me and made me hate myself."
.
Conflicted
women like Rita, acting out post-abortion trauma
through their sexuality, are easy targets for
perverted abusers. Rita's self-destructive acts
served to reenact the shame, self-hatred, and
complete loss of innocence she associated with her
traumatic abortion. None of these tendencies
emerged until after her abortion. It was only
after she had post-abortion counseling that she
was able to break free of this pattern.
.
Promiscuity
may also serve the desire, conscious or unconscious,
to become pregnant again. Becoming pregnant by an
uncommitted male may recreate the rejection of
commitment on the part of the baby's father that was
implicit in the first abortion. Promiscuity can also
serve the purpose of re-experiencing the abortion
literally, through multiple abortions, in the
subconscious hope that by aborting again she will
finally master her trauma. Alternatively,
promiscuity can serve as a means of acting out a new
vision of self -- the carefree party animal, for
example. The relationship between substance abuse
and promiscuity is straightforward. Drugs and
alcohol lower sexual inhibitions. Those who are
looking for sexual encounters are naturally drawn to
bar-hopping and parties where the use of alcohol and
drugs is a normal part of the social interactions,
or even a necessary prelude to mating rituals. Being
intoxicated also makes it easier for a woman to
settle for a "loser," if it comes to that,
just so she won't have to spend the night alone.
.
As
previously discussed, traumatized women will
frequently engage in repetitious behaviors as a
means of releasing trauma-related tension. Sexual
intercourse, alcohol, and drugs are all tension
relievers. But coping with an unresolved trauma
through such addictive behaviors is like being
shackled to a treadmill, running over the same
struggles or themes over and over again. By engaging
in these repetitive behaviors, the mind seeks either
(1) to finally master the problem by re-experiencing
the trauma directly or through symbolic proxies, or
(2) to become so accustomed to the behavior that one
is no longer bothered by it. By deadening herself to
higher aspirations through drugs, alcohol,
promiscuity, and repeat abortions, a woman's
emotional range can become so restricted that she
hardly feels the pain anymore. The price is high,
however, since such a woman also loses the ability
to feel any lasting joy.
.
When
feelings of joy and hope are no more than dim
memories, when depression, despair, or grief weigh
upon a soul with the force of a glacier grinding a
mountain into sand, thoughts of suicide will
arise. At some point, the natural fear of death is
offset by the longing for death's release from
everything in this life. Such was the case for
Janet, who was employed as a police officer in a
suburban community. Janet shares her memories
surrounding her abortion and the despair and inner
violence that followed: After my abortion, they
made me lie down for 30 minutes. Finally, another
nurse dismissed me. I tried to tell her how much
pain I was in. It was as if I was speaking to a
brick wall -- she said nothing in response.
Painfully and slowly, I got dressed and walked
into the waiting room. I looked at my boyfriend
Mike. He looked deadpan toward me. If I had had a
weapon, he and everyone else in that clinic would
have died, myself included.
.
We
spoke not one word during the long drive back to
my home. He finally gave up trying to talk to me.
I never saw him again, nor spoke to him, even
though we worked in the same place. My feelings
for him were far deeper than mere hatred. I
fantasized about annihilating him (somehow),
making him beg for mercy first, as I had in the
clinic. Finally, even my hatred drained out of me,
leaving only a despairing blackness. I was at the
end of the road, with no salvation. I had finally
struck bottom."
.
"With
quiet deliberation, I took my handgun from under my
pillow, checking to make sure the clip was loaded. I
chambered a round, walked into my living room, sat
in a chair, put the gun to my head and pulled the
trigger. To this day, I cannot think why the gun did
not fire. I had always kept it in perfect working
order. Still numb, I called my only friend, Susan,
and told her what I tried to do. She lived quite a
distance from me, but she was there in a flash;
under five minutes, I think. She put me on her lap
like a child and rocked me for a long time. I don't
remember crying, but perhaps I did. After she was
sure I was "okay," she took my handgun
home with her. I still hadn't told her about the
abortion. Bless her. Later that gun went off in her
apartment, blowing a hole in her living room wall
and scaring her silly. I was so thankful she was not
hurt."
.
"Deadened
to all joy, my life took an ironic twist. I soon
found, without even looking, another job making
far more money than my old one. I could easily
have supported a child on my new salary. I
continued my promiscuous ways out of habit, I
think. I no longer knew right from wrong. Gone
was even a semblance of joy. There was no
sunshine to my days. Oh, how I envied the dead.
I used to pray for death, begging a non-existent
God to give me an end to my pain. I find it
amazing, in retrospect, how we can function so
well in front of others, while suffering like
that."
.
The
suicide-abortion link is well-known among
professionals who counsel suicidal people. Meta
Uchtman, director of Suicide Anonymous in
Cincinnati, reported that in a 35-month period her
group had worked with 4,000 women, and that nearly
half had previously had an abortion. Of those who
had undergone abortions, 1,400 were between the
ages of 15 and 24-the age group with the fastest
growing suicide rate in the country.
According to another study undertaken at
the University of Minnesota, teenage girls are ten
times more likely to attempt suicide if they have
had an abortion in the last six months than are
teens who have not had an abortion.
.
The
higher rates of suicide attempts among post-abortive
women are similar to patterns found for suicide in
other traumatized populations. For example, based on
interviews nine years after women were the victims
of rape, researchers have found that 19% of rape
victims had made a suicide attempt, significantly
more than other victims of crime. Similarly, around
19% of combat veterans diagnosed with post-traumatic
stress disorder had made suicide attempts, and 15%
were preoccupied with suicidal thoughts.
.
The
higher rate of suicides among post-abortive women
has been definitively demonstrated by two major
record-based studies. Researchers in Finland, after
examining medical records for all Finnish women of
reproductive age over a seven-year period, discovered
that women who aborted were seven times more likely
to commit suicide in the subsequent year compared to
women who carried to term. Aborting women were also
four times more likely to die from injuries related
to accidents, which may actually have been suicide
attempts or at least suicidal risk-taking.
.
A
similar study that examined records for over
150,000 California women eligible for Medicaid
found that the aborting women were over 2.5 times
more likely than delivering women to commit
suicide within eight years of their abortion.
Still another record-based study found that while
subsequent suicide attempts increased among
aborting women, this could not be explained by
prior suicidal behavior.
In other words, suicide attempts were not
significantly different between groups before
their pregnancies, but subsequently increased only
among aborting women. These are just a few of many
studies identifying the link between abortion and
suicide.
.
By
contrast, numerous studies have indicated that
pregnancy, even when unplanned, diminishes suicidal
impulses. Pregnancy
serves a protective role for mentally disturbed or
seriously depressed women.
Family obligations and the idea that there is
someone to "live for" tend to reduce
self-destructive inclinations.
These findings suggest that for women with
prior psychological problems, childbirth is likely
to reduce the risk of subsequent suicide attempts,
whereas abortion may aggravate that risk. Despite
the overwhelming evidence linking abortion to
suicide, abortion providers do not provide the
type of psychosocial screening necessary to identify
patients who are at higher risk of suicide. Nor
do they provide women with information about suicide
intervention in the event that they begin to feel
suicidal after their abortion. Paulette blamed the
abortion clinic's lack of proper screening for her
sister's death.
.
"My
sister and I were both victims of incest. My sister
had been sexually assaulted by my brothers for a
number of years when she got her first abortion at
the age of 16. Had she been questioned by anyone as
to how a minor like herself had come to be pregnant
in the first place, perhaps she could have been
saved from any further abuse within the family. This
is indeed what should have happened in any agency
that claims to be concerned about preventing child
abuse. As it turned out, she was given the abortion
without my parents' consent or knowledge and then
returned to the same environment. Years later, after
having given birth to three children, having had
many years of psychotherapy and antidepressant
drugs, she became pregnant in a crisis situation.
She was advised by friends and self-appointed
do-gooders to abort the baby to take care of
herself. This caused her a great deal of distress
and anxiety. The decision was very difficult for her
and in her weakened state she succumbed to the
"sensibility" of their arguments and
scheduled the abortion."
.
"She
was crying when she entered the clinic, she cried
throughout the procedure, and was sobbing as she
left. But no one at the clinic asked her any
questions that might upset her any more. Of
course, had anyone asked her, they might have
recognized that she was not emotionally strong
enough to stand the abortion. Had they inquired
about her health history, they might have seen her
as the high-risk patient she was. But none of this
took place. One week after the abortion she took
her life with a gunshot to the chest, striking her
heart. Her three children are growing up without
their mom because no one wanted to ask
questions."
.
The
strong association between suicide and abortion
bears witness to how suicidal impulses serve as a
means of reenacting a traumatic abortion
experience. Thoughts of death mirror the death
experience of abortion. Through her abortion, the
traumatized woman seeks to solve certain
difficulties in her life. When she is later faced
with depression, isolation, or an emptiness in her
life that cannot be filled by drugs, alcohol, or
sex, death again offers a solution. "After
all," many reason, "I killed my child.
Why not kill myself?"
.
Eleanor
was 16 years old when she had an abortion. When she
went to a guidance counselor to discuss her raging
emotions, he assured her that she had made a good
decision. "Focus on the future," the
counselor advised. "Stop looking back."
The advice was meaningless. Eleanor needed someone
who would acknowledge her pain, not reject it as she
had rejected her baby. One of her diary entries,
written six years later, explains the struggle which
underlay her suicidal thoughts.
.
"I
thought about suicide again today. I can't get that
thought out of my head. What could God possibly have
planned for me in the future? I am really starting
to wonder if there is anything planned. I guess this
is because my only dream in life was to be a good
mother. Instead, I've become a murderer. I am left
wondering what my beautiful child would be doing
right now. My life would be filled with joy. Instead
it is filled with depression, anxiety and despair.
How could I have ever thought my life would be
better without my child? I know that another baby
will never replace her in my heart. I don't think I
deserve a second chance."
.
"I
also wonder how a man on earth could care for or
love me after I was able to kill my own daughter.
God only knows how anybody could understand how
someone who supposedly loves children could choose
to destroy her own child. Will I even be able to
chip open a small part of my heart to let someone
new in? There is nothing left of my heart to share
with another person. I really believe I aborted my
heart with my daughter. I have not smiled or felt
any joy for six years. I cannot continue this act
-- this charade of going through the motions when
I am so totally dead inside. I had the strength to
kill my child -- I hope I can find the strength to
kill myself. There is nothing left for me
here."
.
Such
despair, in Eleanor's case, was the byproduct of
years of unresolved grief. Vicky, on the other hand,
felt suicidal immediately after her abortion:
"If I had a gun, I would have blown my head
off. After my abortion, I was in such severe pain --
death seemed the only solution. It seemed like the
only way to be back with my baby. I overdosed on
pills and drinks."
.
Risk-Taking
and Other Self-Destructive Tendencies
.
Fran
was another woman who wanted to die at God's
hands. To invite this judgment on herself, she
went out into the middle of a field and stood in a
large puddle during a thunderstorm. She waited for
the lightning to strike her dead -- an act of God
to punish her for the abortion she could no longer
put out of her mind. This, of course, appears to
be an extraordinary reaction and certainly
irrational. But women's feelings about abortion
are dramatic and can therefore draw out dramatic
expressions of their innermost feelings.
.
Paige
described her abortion experience in terms of
having been through a war, and her abortion as a
"land mine" she walked on one day. Ever
since, she had tried desperately to pick up the
pieces of her shattered emotional life. She
struggled with chronic episodes of crippling
depression and had to be hospitalized for suicidal
thoughts and tendencies on the anniversary date of
her abortion.
.
Studies
show that post-abortive women are more likely to
be involved in accidents
-- a reflection of risk-taking and suicidal
behavior. For example, researchers in Canada found
that women who had undergone an abortion in the
previous year were treated 25% more often for
injuries or conditions resulting from violence.
Similarly, a study of Medicaid payments in
Virginia found that women who had state-funded
abortions had 12% more claims for treatments
related to accidents (resulting in 52% higher
costs) compared to a case-matched sample of women
who had not had a state-funded abortion.
Yet another study of women in California
found that women who had abortions were 82% more
likely to die from accident-related injuries than
women who had carried to term.
.
Camille,
for example, described how her life was an emotional
wreck, which magnetically attracted physical wrecks.
"I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I
talked to myself a lot, even in public. I had
screaming fits when I was home alone. I screamed
until every nerve in my body became like an electric
wire, vibrating with overwhelming anger and energy.
I had about seven serious accidents, too, and one
total wreck. I just didn't care any more."
.
Self-destructive
tendencies can also be played out through
self-sabotage of opportunities and relationships.
Such patterns of self-defeating behavior may persist
for years. For example, Laura had an abortion when
she was 15. Immediately afterward, she became
promiscuous, and by the time she was 18, she was
involved with an abusive man. "Every few years
I would go into a downward spiral and fall into a
deep black hole. I would go on a binge, doing
anything and everything to destroy my life around
me. I contemplated suicide, was on anti-depressants
and drank heavily. Then when I was 20 years old I
married my best friend. But nobody understood (nor
did I) the pain, guilt and trauma I had experienced.
We had a child 6 months later -- a full-term baby
girl -- the joy of my life. I was determined to be a
good mother, and I was and am."
.
"Even
though I had a husband and a life, when my
daughter was two years old, I began an affair
with a co-worker. I kicked my husband out of the
house, and professed that I no longer loved him,
because I was so unhappy with myself. I never
could figure out what caused me to act this way.
It would last one to three months and I would be
OK. Then four years later, I would do something
else to destroy myself or my life. I never
inflicted physical pain on myself, just mentally
hurting myself and everyone around me and trying
to destroy everything in my life. After all, how
could I be happy if I killed a child? I didn't
deserve to be happy. I needed to be
self-destructive so this baby would know that I
didn't do it on purpose and I would show it how
life was without it. Horrible. Although I had
sought counseling several times, and always
brought up the abortion (it always came up), the
counselor would not address it, just skim over
it."
.
Laura
felt that after her abortion, she didn't deserve
happiness. Whenever happiness came to her, even
through her family, she felt compelled to upset and
destroy it, if only to prove to her aborted child
that she had not stopped grieving.
.
Excerpts
from Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of
Abortion by Dr. Theresa Burke with Dr. David
C. Reardon; Foreword by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
.
Rachel's
Vineyard Ministries
©
2002 Rachel's Vineyard Ministries
.
Bob
Sperlazzo
Informed
Christian Digest
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